This time last week I was laying in bed bawling my eyes out until I physically ran out of tears. I was sleeping 16 hours a day, praying that I was just stuck in a nightmare. Then for a few days I was going through the motions, straining to keep my eyes dry. Now, I just don’t feel much of anything at all.
My heart still aches, very much so. It always will. But otherwise, I feel so empty and I’m waiting. Waiting for a new “normal” to happen. I don’t know if it will be a month, a year or ten years from now but I just know that someday a new normal will have to come.
I want to smile, laugh and not fight back tears every time I pick up the phone to ask my dad a question, or look at a picture of him or see his empty recliner.
I want to close my eyes and not have memories flash through my head of that cramped hospital room with my dad laying there helpless.
I want to stop hearing the ER doctor joke about my dad not looking 88 (because he had my grandfather’s chart, not my dad’s).
I want to stop calling my mom’s answering machine during the day just to hear and remember my dad’s voice.
Today we were outside helping Kaydee learn how to ride her bike with no training wheels. After much trial and error she finally took off and rode about 30 feet all by herself and even hit the brakes without falling off. Instantly I clapped, cheered and thought my dad just missed this. These two, they were best friends, just like my dad and I were growing up. And he wasn’t here to see the excitement on her face.
Even more than wishing my dad was still here with me, I wish I could stop feeling guilty every time something makes me smile. I know that probably sounds silly but being happy makes me feel terrible because I know it means I’m starting to move on with my life without him. Some of y’all might not understand but my dad has been my very best friend for 30 years. He’s the one person that could instantly read my face even though I’m an expert at hiding my feelings. He’s the person I could pick up the phone and call to just talk about anything, which we did often.
Anyways, I know it’s not healthy to dwell on this and sometimes it just feels better to say it out loud. A year or two from now, I hope I can look back on this time and see the “blessing in disguise“, whatever that may be. Because that’s one thing I’m sure of … every awful event that’s ever happened in my life, happened for a reason and it was always something I was blind to at the time.
Also, I just wanted to say thank you to Cindy, Trisha & Friends, Asia, Jennifer and Dayna. Having friends that sent cards and flowers was nice (although I wish it was for any other reason than this one).