I’ve been a stay at home/work at home mom off an on for 12 years now. Most of my life has been consumed by diaper changes, feeding schedules, working around naps and keeping the house as clean as possible. I use to dream of the day that all of the kids or even most of them would be in school. I had these grand visions of quiet time, bubble baths, an spotlessly clean house and a hot dinner on the table at 6pm every night. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom and seeing my children every moment of the day but I was yearning for time to be an individual … just Cat. Not mom, not wife, no maid or cook.
Then it happened.
Matt started 6th grade, Kaydee went off to full-day Kindergarten and it’s just me, Emma and the kittens for 7 hours a day.
Dream come true right?
I never realized just how much of my personality and my self-worth was tied to raising children during the day. I actually miss the kids fighting over toys, the thumping of my son bouncing off the walls and Kaydee’s heavy footsteps tromping down the hallways.
I find myself bored most of the time. Really bored.
I clean until I run out of things to clean and then I clean them again. I’ve repainted rooms. I’ve redecorated rooms. I actually make beds now. There’s no more laundry to be done, no dishes to wash and nothing but the sound of Emma’s markers squeaking as she draws Minnie Mouse on my printer paper. Sure we have little conversations, snuggles and snacks throughout the day but overall, she’s a very independent little girl that would much rather play alone than be bothered by mommy.
It’s all made me very sad, even to the point that I almost wished Jon hadn’t got that vasectomy. I never realized how much I’d miss having a baby in the house, someone that needs me to do something other than find the lost lid to her marker. In one of my worst moments of depression Jon even offered to have the procedure reversed but I’m sane enough to know that I could never put him through that, or the financial burden of a 4th child on an already strained family. Not because I’m bored and having baby fever.
What I think it means is that I need to find myself. Before I was mommy I was someone who had hobbies, friends and goals. I don’t quite remember what they were but maybe it’s time I start looking for them. Blogging has been a passion of mine for nearly 4 years now, and it still is, but there’s only so much to write about. I need more. What that is or where I’ll find it, I don’t know but it’s time I start searching.